Your result for The Sexuality Spectrum Test...
Bi/Slightly Straight
You scored 5 (-52 being completely gay, 0 being bisexual, and 52 being completely straight)
For the most part, you are bisexual. You have a slight preference for the opposite sex, but either sex would suit you. If you are sexually inexperienced, it is possible that this will change after you do some experimenting.
Take The Sexuality Spectrum Test at HelloQuizzy
This quiz was not especially sophisticated but it did the job.
I think that this clip explains how I feel best. Her character is a lesbian explaining her preferences. And as celebrities and situations go, I can most definitely identify with the famous-for-being-more-curvy-than-hollywood-typically-allows gorgeous Ms. Lopez displaying her mastery of yoga while presenting a flawless argument.
And as far as bisexuality - well who knows for me. I'm too busy being monogamous right now to figure out how far I would enjoy things to go with a woman. My suspicions are thus: A) I'm picky. There are a lot of people that don't do it enough for me to want to let anything at all happen. When you transfer that pickyness down to the much smaller pool of possibilities containing women that dig women, the occurrences become rare. But they have happened. But those special ones were either not interested in women, already in a relationship, or not attracted to me at the same time. Or I was in a relationship. And B) I don't pursue. I like to be pursued. I will make myself accessible and start a conversation, but beyond that if someone does not act interested I do not push the issue. Perhaps it is my ego protecting itself, perhaps it is my ego just wanting to be stroked with attention, or perhaps it is my first test for anyone interested - I need you to want me enough to make something happen. And with guys, this works fine. I am good at attracting the ones I want usually, and they are good at being transparent enough for me to tell they are interested enough to feel safe.
But I lack the skills with women. They make me all nervous and flustered. Because there is not only the wondering if they are into me to think of with guys, but there is the wondering if they are into girls at all. And the fact that I'm usually pretty feminine and don't project all kinds of "butch ladies should come hit on me" vibes. And then some hot guy comes over and picks me up and I get all wrapped up in a monogamous relationship with him for a few years... and so yeah.
On my last trip to Colorado I met two amazing women I would so cuddle up with and make out with for a good while. A gorgeous effervescent buddhist psych grad student in boulder who talked to me openly and excitedly about our sex lives and adopting children all within the first 5 minutes of having met. And an amazing burlesque dancer who studied ballet all her life until she got injured and was the best performer of the night (or perhaps equal with my other amazing dancer friend in the show) who I had a lot in common with and also opened up to me very quickly and was a damn sexy burlesque dancer with the most creative costume and quite perfect breasts.
But she had a husband and the first had a boyfriend. And I've got one of those too, who I kind of want to be my husband.
As the first woman I've ever wanted to make love to said so well:
And you'll never know dear
Just how much I loved you
You probably think this was just my big excuse
But I stand committed
To a love that came before you
And the fact that I adore you
Is just one of my truths
And I guess that this is the price we pay
for the privilege of living for even a day
in a world with so many things worth believing in
Funny I read this one after severely a vivid dream last night where I finally kissed a girl I barely know but who weakens my knees when I see her and fumble for words to say around her; and a blatant proposal for making out with a woman who I've been with before and sometimes can't keep my hands off of when around.
ReplyDeleteIt's like in waves, my homosexuality blows in a gentle breeze of different tempered air and begs attention, then the air of wanting man hands pushes back in. Endocrine system constantly in disarray.
A girlfriend of mine recently said while discussing a male friend of our's sexuality (he's, I think, mostly gay and had a male lover for a while but isn't opposed to a lady lover either) that "everyone is a little bit gay, it's just that some won't admit it." And I wonder the validity in that. We're all just libido touting apes that like to play and feel right? It's the mental hang ups that keep us.
And if we reduce it down to our primal urges, it makes me question this whole monogamy thing. Why? Why are we trying to desperately to hold onto just one person holding onto us in this binding fence of commitment? In the constriction we morph into things we are not naturally and what's the glory in that? I mean I think of finding someone I am utterly and insatiably head over heels for, and while I'd hope and maybe expect to come first and simultaneously hope they wouldn't find the need to slut around -a now and then connection with someone beyond words and into the physical is something I'd never want my lover to be completely bound to reject. Nor would I want to reject a deeply profound connection on the premise that my primary lover would feel somehow stabbed in the heart about it. It perplexes me both how we put binds on others and how we get hurt when those unspoken or spoken boundaries are impeded upon. Like why did it papercut my heart a bit to hear someone I'm merely infatuated with pursued some other girl a week after our night of affection?
I don't know though, these monogamy things have become so far in the past that my head can't wrap itself around the idea anymore. And yet I want it so desperately -maybe only because I've never had it for more than a minute and because my sexual freedom has ran to the fence of its boundaries and nearly lept over with more than scraped knees in the drunken climb up chain links.
I feel like I'll spend my whole life trying to understand monogamy and end it empty handed.
If there were a pill that would inhibit endocrine system responses so we didn't have to feel sexual attraction for periods of time, would you take them? I think I would. My kingdom for a pill like that -just bouts of time where I can be productive and not brain plagued about wanting and lusting.
I wonder, that buddhist psych grad on your last CO trip, she wasn't the blonde beauty we sat with at Mountain Sun was she? That's the one ties my guts in knots. I have the misfortune of knowing very little about her primarily because I have involuntary muscle stiffness and severe brain blackouts on the rare occasion we exchange moments.
Girls make me more nervous than boys do too.
oh yes yes it was. I guess I had the luck to accidentally venture into some especially intimate conversation with her immediately upon meeting and we happened to find lots in common before the normal few-minutes-to-feel-you-out-and-realize-I-have-a-crush-on-you could even happen.
ReplyDeleteSo, with monogamy - I feel what you're saying about all of that stuff about not wanting to limit each other and box each other in. I guess, I don't think the right lover for anyone would be someone that makes them feel "morphed into something they are not." I think the majority of lovers DO make us feel that way. But the right ones don't. We perhaps grow an interest in things we were not previously exposed to and expand our thoughts to include the perspectives of another. But I think the right person can see who you really are even if you're trying to hide it, wants to help guide you into finding an even more "you" way of being, and doesn't ask you to change, even about the bad things.
So there's that.
And about the just being with one person thing. Well, for me, at this place in my life, it makes sense to me because I know that I am a person who needs to make a family someday. Not everyone does. But I do, I have always known this. I want to have babies, and I want to give them a stable home. Monogamy tends to be the best vehicle for that. If people can make polyamory work for raising a family, that is lovely and beautiful for them. But, to me, intimate relationships are already so hard, so complicated, so fragile and so special that adding another person or fluid boundaries into the mix makes things far too unstable for what I desire. Sometimes things are so valuable that we don't want to take risks with them.
And there is also the insight I have from my own past, where I have the hindsight of realizing that the times in my life when I was really craving polyamory and fluid boundaries were when I did not feel fully compatible with the lovers I had, so I was still seeking further fulfillment. I knew that we did not have enough chemistry to last, or I knew that they did not see me in the ways I needed. But I still got something valuable from the relationship, so I wanted to change the rules and keep enjoying the parts I liked while searching for the rest of what I needed elsewhere. Which is an ok thing to do.
But I'm just not in that place right now. I'm in a place where I am fulfilled and seen and nurtured and taken care of in all the ways I need by one person. (Relatively - I still need my friendships, but I feel as taken care of as a lover can.) So while I get crushes on other people still, because there are so many amazing people out there, those little involuntary papercuts to the heart that I would give my partner by pursuing anything are not worth what I would gain.
But I'm still going to look into seeing if a little play is allowed - if I can play spin the bottle at an upcoming underwear party to raise money for our sexuality education volunteer group. Maybe kissing a few cute girls will be enough to make the homosexuality/heterosexuality waves start ebbing back again. We'll see :)
"But, to me, intimate relationships are already so hard, so fragile, and so special, that adding another person or fluid boundries into the mix makes things far too unstable for what I desire." I agree completely. I have also seen studies done on Voles. Many people have seen this same thing (http://www.sciencenetlinks.com/sci_update.php?DocID=80 , http://www.springerlink.com/content/n45418883q3nq361 ). I suggest you read the links, but to summarize them, there are these varieties of voles that are completely monogomous, and these varieties that don't stick to any one partner. They genetically engineered the permiscuous ones to have more receptors, or produce more of this chemical Vasopressin, and found that they became monogomous. I think they even reveresed the study. Just how sexuality can be a sliding scale in its expression based on how we are made in the uterus, so to can it's preference for numbers of partners be determined. Not saying that life expereince doesn't have it's influence, far from that... but it seems to me we have to have some kind of default for anything programmed into our bodies, with us being biological creatures based on chemical action... whether or not there is a soul there, the biology cannot be denied (though I just think our biology expresses our soul, and our soul expresses our body... Nature and Nuture work together).
ReplyDeleteha I love your closing sentence in the parentheses
ReplyDeleteand your comment relates so well to the article I just found that I posted relating to brain chemicals and monogamy! Great minds... ;)